hindi kita kailangan patulan dahil lang sa confused at malungkot ako...

...

Dear You,

Please don't let me fall for you. I am in my very vulnerable state right now after an i-thought-it-was-real relationship. Don't try to break into my barriers. I told my friends and family how awkward I was when you interviewed me, so I should be sharing same sentiments with them that I should stay away from you. But it's not what my heart is telling me. I am so naive, despite my age. I should be harsh to you. But for the past 4 days, you've been very persistent. I should stop this. Please stay away.

P.S. I guess I'll have to change my number now =(

Music and Him...

I am once again having some past recollections of him. I remembered that I sent him this song. And it's very appropriate even way back the early stage of our relationship... I knew then that he is going to drift away...

"Just Breathe"

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love

Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...

Let's just breathe...

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh

Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh

I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me

You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

As I come clean...

I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh

Everything you gave

And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

And I come clean, ah...

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Hold me til I die

Meet you on the other side...

Almost...

One week since I arrived here in Manila. And the wound has not healed yet. Or maybe I refused to find a cure for it. Or I do not know what the cure is in the first place.
I dreamed of him last night. No, I did not see him in my dream. I just received a text message from him. He said "I'm sorry..." And I did not reply in my dream. Or maybe I just didn't remember If I indeed reply. But just to nurture that wound that I refused to heal, If ever he will send me a text message like that, I don't know If I should reply or not. Probably, yes. Because I still love him. Yeah, January 12 would the third month since he said goodbye. And I am still hoping that he would come back.

Ouch!  I know it will never happen.

Gotta get along without you now...

This may not be entirely about him now. Because today, I managed to stay half of the day in school and did my research work. Not only was I able to save from our apartment's electricity consumption, but I was also able to do something productive and managed my way out of unaccomplished reports and paper works from my SW225 class hehehe =) Anyway, I will hold on tight to my dreams. I know I have the heart to do so. I intend to keep my values and continue to believe that despite man's struggle for a better social functioning, man is still equipped to rise from the challenges and able to empower themselves. And I will use my knowledge and skills for them to be able to do so! yeah! That's the power girl!

By the way, I congratulate myself for not accessing my facebook account for 2 days now! I will manage to eliminate all of these distractions. And earlier, my ex crush texted me and asked me if I'm back to Quezon City already. He also asked me if the number I'm using is the only number I have. Nonsense. No follow ups, "aaah, ok..." That's just it! No more druh-muhs. I am so over it.

Better move on and smile while walking =) I have great great dreams to accomplish!

Thank you Lord for making me feel happy today! =)

Now Playing in my Soul...

Cried all night 'til there was nothing more
What use am I as a heap on the floor?
Heaving devotion but it's just no good
Taking it hard just like you knew I would

Old habits die hard
When you've got
When you've got a sentimental heart
Piece of the puzzle you're my missing part
Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?
Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?

Cried all night 'til there was nothing more
What use am I as a heap on the floor?
Heaving devotion but it's just no good
Taking it hard just like you knew I would

Old habits die hard
When you got
When you got a sentimental heart
Piece of the puzzle you're my missing part
Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?
Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?

Schizoidal or Antisocial?

I deactivated my FB account once again. For some reasons that I am feeling envy, jealousy, and greed each time I see other people's pictures of earthly activities. It's bad, I know. But I have to exert more effort in avoiding these unpleasant stimuli around me. I need to regain my focus. I need to go back to where I started. And why I decided to work here in Manila in the first place. I want to learn more about social work. I want to help more people. I want to be knowledgeable enough in order for me to help and defend them.

God, help me keep my focus. Help me sustain the fire in my heart.

Lord, help me to be sincere to myself. Help me embrace your plans for me.

I just want to live my life contented with the plans that you have for me. If challenges will come, help me learn from them. Help me keep my sanity Lord.

Amen.

Repost from Tao & Zen

We live by the sun, We feel by the moon, 
We move by the stars,
We live in all things, All things live in us,
We eat from the earth, We drink from the rain, 
We breathe of the air,
We live in all things, All things live in us,
We call to each other, We listen to each other,
Our hearts deepen with love and compassion,
We live in all things, All things live in us,
We depend on the trees and animals,
We depend on the earth,
Our minds open with wisdom and insight,
We live in all things, All things live in us,
We dedicated our practice to others,
We include all forms of life,
We celebrate the joy of living-dying,
We live in all things, All things live in us,
We are full of life, We are full of death,
We are grateful for all beings and companions.

~ Stephanie Kaza ~

Tuesday blues...

Last night, I played Joey Ayala's 16 Love Songs CD all night long... It lulled me to sleep because it makes me feel his presence beside me... I terribly miss him you know. It's redundant that I keep on thinking about him. And I am so tempted to send him an email and ask him to go back to me. Maybe I can ask him to meet with me so that we can really talk about what really happened. And if his feelings for me is totally gone and unremembered. Maybe that would settle the confusion in me.
But I am bothered that I might not like his reply. Or better yet, he will not respond at all.
Oh I really wish to see him you know.
I understand it's wrong. Being that he is still with his wife (I am just assuming after seeing his wife in pictures during his recent exhibit in UPV Art Gallery). God, I hope I can forget him. The heartache is still there. I still long for him. I still visit his FB profile often to check his recent artworks.

Why is it that love acts this way? It's totally wrong but I still willingly submit myself to the irrational feelings. It's like a fire burning my soul. And it slowly consumes my sanity. And I can't keep my focus on my studies and dreams. And I don't have anyone to talk to with all of my musings. Perhaps I need someone whom I can process these emotions with. Ugh, I need a friend :-(

Frustrated on a Monday =(

Last night, I planned to wake up early and prepare my resume and start looking for a job after I report to Nazareth. But then, it's already lunchtime and I am still at home and browsing through the profiles of artists and his profile as well and see an updated picture of him. Why is it hard to let go of a person?

After the mass yesterday, I told myself that I will give it 6 months since we parted ways, so that would be until April 12, 2013. Right now, I choose to go back to those memories when we were still happy with each other's company. His apartment visits is what I've missed the most. His lips and his wavy hair are just irresistible! Haaaay.

Earlier today, my heart kept on pounding really hard. I don't know why, maybe because I have lesser cigarette consumption nowadays due to the sin tax bill. I really do miss him. I know I should be focusing on important things, such as finding a job and finishing my school papers, but I just can't really help but allow my mind to get trapped inside the memory machine of him. It pains me. I want to cry but I can't. But my heart is like being gripped so tight. Oh how I miss him so much! :-(

Back to reality

ugh! i have tons of papers to accomplish and i don't even feel the urgency to finish all of them, which are due next week! And whenever I am alone in the apartment, I can't help but peek into his profile using my nephew's nanny's  profile! I feel so pathetic that I can't help myself forget him. With the gush of the wind, I can feel he's just very close because they just opened an exhibit in Ayala Museum yesterday. On my way to to Manila, from the airport until I picked up my baggage, I was really hoping to bump into him! It's just destiny's way of telling me that we are not really meant for each other. But I can still feel the love in me for him. And I still cling to the memories I shared with him. I often wonder and ask if he is thinking of me too. I just pray that I can move on. And a part of me keeps on convincing myself that time will come that our paths would cross, and we'll be back into each other's company again. Haaaay.

After my long vacation at home, I realized that I have been selfish with my personal goals in life. I have my cousins who are in need of financial assistance for them to be able to finish school. My tita is working hard just to get food for the table for her family. And my maternal grandmother completely lost her sight, and was hospitalized twice during the holiday season. I also have my cousins from my father side who works hard to get their home fixed, and support ninang who was half-paralyzed when she had her stroke a few years back. I know there's so much to do, so many needy people that needs to be reached out, but I chose to pursue my dreams, in an effort to help complete strangers, but I myself is not even able to help my relatives. I am carrying a heavy guilt in my heart right now.

On a positive note, I still appreciate the love and support that my family is giving me.  Despite my financial status, they are still in full support for my dreams. I just look forward to the time that I am able to give back what is really due to them especially my mama.

I will keep my faith that someday will come that I will be able to contribute a significant change into my loved ones lives, and extend them across the marginalized group in the society.