Happy New Year!

And I have countless things in mind... composing a list of new year resolutions... memories that I want to forget... but I ended up staring into nothingness... :-(
I guess I haven't freed my mind yet with the thoughts of him. I don't know when. I don't know how.
But little by little I know I will. I have to. I need to move on and fix my life.
My dream of becoming a social worker still lingers on... And by 2014, I am hoping to start up with my own business together with Kat, and pursue my interest in the arts.
I now desire to occupy my personal space, and attempt to conquer my inhibitions and be free and dance to the music of life. I want to dance. Yes, and be comfortable with my body.
=)
I also intend to blossom my acts of volunteerism. I may not excel and create a big change in the society, but I am hoping to be more sincere with my intentions... I need to be fair with myself that I may not be able to directly touch lives... I need to get in touch with reality. The world is so overwhelming! I just want to move and be alive!
I want to draw and paint and at least learn to play one musical instrument.
For my short term goal, I intend to finish a book in a month, and memorize a song in a week.

Anyhow, I need to find a job first when I come back to Manila. And PRAYER'tize' =)

God, I thank you for the life. I thank you for all the blessings, for my wonderful family, for my mama noning, and for all the people that touched my life!

To cap my 2012, here's a song from Angus & Julia Stone, Chocolates & Cigarettes =)

damn! i miss him!

I feel so pathetic. I am so not over him until now. I have to deactivate my facebook account again. I don't ever want to see him again. I should be okay by now. But my heart is still crying. But my eyes refuse to spill out these toxic tears... oh well... i guess i don't have any choice but to hate him to get over him... :-(

another year has passed...

it's my birthday and i am broke, but i am happy =)
i am grateful for my family and friends. and for all the strength that i've acquired to face the challenges of life. i know there's more that awaits me. but i guess i am braver enough to battle with them!

to wrap up my 30th year, he texted me earlier. he finally read my email to him. i wasn't expecting him to text me but he did. he told me that he never blocked me. somebody did it! and it wasn't him whom i chatted with last october 12. but that is just a crazy and lame excuse! although i am still having doubts that the pattern of the sentences wasn't him... and a part of me still believes that he wanted to secure our relationship... i don't have a choice but to move on... and totally forget him... if he really loves me, he should be braver enough to fight for me. i deserve someone better. and he is just out there, together with my dreams of becoming a social worker...

i'll be patiently waiting Lord =)

Thank you for the last 30 years of happiness!

another inspiring day...

aside from the fact that my 'ex' crush treated me for a tapsilog breakfast today, i was inspired after meeting my groupmates in my social administration class. rej works for adoption services while mace works for Philippine Mental Health Association. Their lives are so simple, and that is to work, acquire properties, find a man and make a family. one exceptional thing they are doing in their lives is to never stop learning that is why they are in the graduate school! they are both social workers and i just feel happy after meeting them. i think i am older than them but they know already what to do with their lives!

wala lang, i am just happy for them. amazing that the Lord can bring happiness as simple as this :-)

Thank you Lord, I am so loved =)

after class musings...

each time i get off from my classes, i get inspired with pursuing my dream job. or better yet, that's what i want to believe. earlier, we had our first class with prof maslang under social work research. my initial impression of her was that she's of a very typical teacher. but what i am looking forward in her classes would be the way she would relay complex terms into simple, concise and understandable concepts. and i would love to learn and enhance my capacity to do social work research! while we were discussing the overview of the course earlier, i suddenly felt a deja vu when i was still with ma'am lisa's class. my heart would thump as if it's telling me "this is it! this is it! you are meant to be a social work researcher!" :-D hehe, i am just overreacting!

i'll be turning 31 years old in 3 days, and i was just struck by positivism that i want to cry because i am too happy with all of the experiences i had for the past year! it's actually a feat! and i can't stop thanking the Lord because He always stood by me! i just hope i can keep the positivism inside the freezer so that it will not melt into a spur of desperation... oh well, basta, i am just very happy tonight! I LOVE YOU LORD!!!!

linger...

the memory of him still lingers on...
i went with tl ron and pebz to la union this weekend hoping to forget him, however i just keep on missing him in the process... and now, he uploaded a video of him playing a blues rhythm with his guitar, which i really find sexy ;-) anyway, i am still jobless. before sleeping last night, i tried to condition myself that i'll be submitting my application in DSWD, however, i ended up doing my laundry and listen to him play... haaay!

i'm so lucky for my friends by the way, because they paid for my la union expenses. now i am looking forward for quite number of debts to pay, phew!

a short meeting with an old friend =)

my friend visited me here in UP and she treated me for a breakfast in rodic's. she's a lawyer and currently in a relationship with a 49-year-old lawyer as well. she shared with me some stories about her almost 3 year relationship and i can't help but compare it with my 4 month relationship with a 54-year old artist. i was just saddened by the thought that mine lead to nowhere. though i haven't really talked about it with her. if only i was patient enough to wait for the right man for me, i wouldn't be affected like this. but oh well, it's all part of growing old. i just can't move on with the fact that i became such a loser when i opened up all of my feelings to him.

i started thinking of my career again. my friend advised me to not go back to my previous job. but i feel too lazy to look for another job. i even don't know how to proceed and sustain my so-called dream. now, i'm starting to be critical with the decisions that i made this year. i became too impatient. too restless to work again, and i ended up being jobless! however, each time i attend to my classes, i get too inspired with pursuing my social work dreams. i can't just keep up with my idealism whenever i'm back home and see the people in facebook too happy with their chosen paths. maybe i really don't know what i really want. i am just sorry for myself that i risked a lot of things. i've given too much of myself. i got too tired and hopeless.

i hope i won't lose my dreams.

One of my friends shared this link. A good read to reflect on. Especially now that I have stumbled into a lot of ideals. Risking my relationship with the important people in my life.
9 Things No One Wants to Regret When They’re Older

simple plans for the future...

earlier, when i was too excited to attend to my first class, i met 2 of my classmates who were non social work graduates. we just took similar paths when pursuing our post graduate courses. the younger one was rej, who graduated in uplb with a course in sociology, while the second one was jen, who also graduated in uplb, and is working in HSBC for 7 years now. after meeting them, and after chatting with them, i was relieved and inspired again to go back to HSBC at the same time pursue my dreams to become a social worker. in fact, i am almost giving up the idea of becoming a social worker. i am thinking of organizing a set of volunteers in a call center who's passion to serve are trapped in their intentions to still be able to help their families when it comes to financial matters. i know there's a lot of young people, with their burning ideals to serve the country, just decided to stay in a call center because of financial convenience and what they might just need is an opportunity for them to somehow try the world of public social service through volunteerism.
and i guess it is better, because you do it for free, and for the willingness to help and share :-)

now i am inspired again.

As what the prayer book that Kat gave me about paths and purpose would say, "Know the difference between paths and purpose. Even if your chosen path fails, never give up on your sacred purpose..."

For now, i'll be keeping that inspiration in my heart.

I love you Lord for continuing to make your presence felt here in my heart.

Amen.

procastination

the best time to finish a task is a day before the deadline...

there's life after the deadline!

i've always instilled these phrases in my mind since i started my post graduate studies. i have to accept that the creative juices will just come pouring in a day before the deadline, i have to admit that this has never been a good habit. yes, i get to accommodate some other tasks, engage with more people socially, however, my body's beaten really hard with all of the caffeine and nicotine having a majestic flow in my body! and i get so drowsy the next day...

i should stop postponing my tasks.

earlier i thought of going to the commission of human rights and department of social welfare and development to submit my applications, however, i ended up staying the whole day at home. the only time that i had to get out was when i ran out of cigarettes to smoke! it's not good at all!

you see, i am still keeping this fire in me to hold on to my dreams of being able to acquire a job that involves social services especially with the marginal sector, however, i hate myself for being too lazy. that's why i am halfway to going back to the call center industry again.

i am still torn, lazy, and undecided...

at least i am no longer ranting about him na... phew!

ugh!

he never deactivated his FB account, he simply blocked me... :-(

ayon nga sa candy crush, "all aboard!!!", and yes, life has to move one!

Goodbye my blue sky!

madness

why did i even allow this to happen?

for the past few days, i have been searching for an update about his whereabouts, but i always end up with nothing new. a lot of questions went unanswered since he left his last words to me. now, i happened to search for his profile in facebook using a friend's access and there he was... with his post last october 19, "i won't let you slip away thru my hands..." something like that... whatever that means... but i guess he's moving on, and whatever we had is just a short break from his artworks... 

it hurt me even more... how can love hurt this much?! i just want to spill all of these tears and be free from the thoughts of him... it's so frustrating... so debilitating for my dreams... so painful...

on the other end of my 'emo' spectrum, i wish him more artworks, more sales, more projects... and i wish that he'll finally reconcile and live happily forever after with his wife...

I did not make it. I just came back from school to finish my enrollment when I received an email from Miss Jepie...

"Thank you for your interest in working for Amnesty International.  Regretfully we are unable to offer you the position of Membership Development Coordinator. 

We hope you’ll continue to support Amnesty International’s work for human rights in other ways you can."

Yeah, that's it. I could almost feel my luck of being able to work in an international human welfare organization, however reality could easily pop that dream in seconds. I cried after reading the email. I called my mother and I tried to stop my tears from falling, and my voice from cracking... however, it just happened. I don't want my mother to feel my grief but I guess I was too weak to suppress my emotions.

Anyway, so much for failures. I will go to HSBC tomorrow to submit my application. I hope they will still accept me. Que sera, sera...

what comes after tomorrow...

I've been anticipating a positive result in my AI application. I am praying hard that they will consider my application. I believe that my employment in the said organization would mobilize me towards my dream of working with the people especially those who are in the marginalized sector.

I have been seeing the signs. And all of the significant signs showed up within the last full year after I turned 30 years old. I met a lot people along the way. First was Ate Leila, whom I stumbled upon in the airport on my way home to Iloilo. She reminded me to restore my spirituality and since then I've been attending the Sunday mass and try my best to invite my friends as well. I also got the chance to confess my sins, and that was very emotional because I cried. Them I met Ma'am Seny, Ate Leila's friend from Habihan. She referred me to an opportunity for me to realize my dreams, and that is to work for the people in Payatas, where the community are into scavenging. I also had the chance to teach kindergarten students. I didn't realize that I am too lovable for the kids hehe =) I experienced working with Miss Corito Bautista, who showed me the conservative way if practicing social service. In Payatas, I met Miss Elma, who busily prepared for my food and coffee =) Then unfortunately, I was disappointed and frustrated that I could no longer continue working in the Foundation because I had to continue my Post Graduate studies for a Diploma in Social Work. Maybe I expected too much when Miss Corito accepted me. I just thought she will support me while I study at the same time work for her Foundation. But then I was not bitter with that circumstance. I left the job and I am still thankful that I had the opportunity to serve in the most honest and sincere way that I can. 

I have been unemployed for almost 5 months now. I did not earn anything although there were some attempts made for me to engage in some "raket-raket". I became a Graduate Assistance to Professor Maureen Pagaduan, Chairperson of the Department of Community Development. I haven't signed my DTR yet, so I wasn't able to receive my paycheck as of now. I am still actually spending the remaining amount of my savings. And right now, I have been overusing my credit card for my food and basic needs. I still have a loan to pay in Chinatrust. And an insurance that I've kept and maintained for 4 years. I am broke, literally! No one said that it would be this easy. I got a fairly good grade in Ma'am Lily's class, however still incomplete with my Field Work subject. I just have to stop working on my integrated paper for a moment to post in my blog. I just want to exercise scribbling my thoughts again. I couldn't help but question my decisions. I used to earn more than enough. But I gave it all up to pursue this dream. I gave up the comfort and security that I had somehow contributed to my family. I feel guilty and selfish sometimes. Now, the second semester is coming. I still don't have enough money to pay my tuition. And my goal of getting a job this November is almost failing me. But I still keep my trust, faith and patience that God has some other plans for me. Now for my plan B, If I don't get accepted in my AI application, I plan to go back to HSBC. Phew! Enough of all of these musings.... Back to my integrated paper...

i miss my old self...

yes, because that's where i find my comfort zone... i miss being able to write and read books, and just listen to music. when art flourished, it's him that I remember... always!
he took a big part of me. i have already imagined myself growing old with him. but hell yeah, life is not a fairy tale.

closing the 30th year of my life...

they say that the age of generativity comes along  when you turn 30 years old. when I turned to this great milestone, I took the risk of being able to experience a lot of emotions. There's grief, anxiety, LOVE, losing it, and doing something that is not socially acceptable. I guess the highlight of this year was when I realized that I am indeed capable of loving someone, and sharing a part of myself to that person. It's quite liberating. I just broke a barrier that I myself have created before. I was happy with that 4 month relationship. I guess it's not meant to last, because he is married. Goodbye was equated with his last words, "words evade me, life is really complicated." I cried many times but I am grateful somehow that I managed to come out from that relationship. He finally let go of me... and a part of myself would like to believe that he's just there waiting...

anyway, I've been going back to my initial plans of serving the people. I recently applied for a position as a membership development coordinator in Amnesty International Philippines. I think I fared in my written exams well. However, i slightly missed some important points during the interview. I's been more than a week now since my last interview and I haven't heard from them yet. And I am still hoping with prayers that they will consider my intention to work for their organization.

I no longer have funds though. I am struggling with my finances and I think this will also be part of my major milestone when i decided to quit my job for 7 years in a global bank. I have given up so much when I turned towards this dream. I have been wanting to work with the people and involve myself in empowering them.I should keep my focus now. If ever my plans wouldn't work it, then let it be. I still have my family, friends, and faith. That's what matters to me now...